Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
