It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
