no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
