You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
