I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
