I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
