Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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