my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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