i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Holy shit dude........stairs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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