sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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