You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
