I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
