I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
