My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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