I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Boobs speak an international language.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
