Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
