I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
