I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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