I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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