dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
