Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
