Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
