I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
