So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
