She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
