I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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