I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
