I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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