so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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