I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's never too late to be topless.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
