oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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