I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
