Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
