By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
