I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
