If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
