Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You can't just leave with hair like that
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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