Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
