His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
