I feel like abortions should bother me more
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
