thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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