My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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