I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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