can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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