Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
