Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
