I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
