if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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