I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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