i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
