you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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