He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
