I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
