why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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