watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
