So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
