Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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