There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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